Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2011)

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. There is little that needs to be said about this film that the title doesn’t already say. It’s a film about a huge shark having a fight with a giant crocodile. Plot written. *dusts hands cockily*

Okay, so the plot contains more than that. This film is a sequel to the massively cack-badgers Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009), which shamefully received the first zero skulls review on Gorepress (and has now been joined by 2008’s Prom Night remake). Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus still remains one of the worst films to ever inflict itself on the world. Luckily the sequel is better. Much better, in fact. In fact, it almost feels like you’re watching an actual film. Almost…

Starting seconds after the first film ends, the world is still feeling rocked by the airplane chomping, Golden Gate-eating, oil rig attacking duo of prehistoric monstrosities. Last seen sinking into the inky depths of the ocean, the might of the U.S. military prayed the beasties would destroy themselves and disappear forever. Fat chance.

As the title suggests, Giant Octopus is gone. It’s never mentioned if it died or not (so expect another sequel) but Megashark reappears to cause havoc on land and sea. This time he’s joined by Crocosaurus, another prehistoric massive relic which is unearthed during some lack-lustre pick-axing in a cave somewhere.

The plot is very similar to the original. Two massive beasts cause absolute mayhem on mankind, the military fails miserably to contain them, then the duo of ancient giants have a big fight to the “death” at the end.

Debbie Gibson is nowhere to be seen this time round, although tellingly an Aircraft Carrier called the U.S.S. Gibson is sunk at the beginning of the film… so this time round our heroes are cryptozoologist / mythic beast hunter Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch), shark expert Dr. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White) and special agent Hutchison (Sarah Lieving). This mismatched trio set about coming up with a series of baffling, ridiculous and often-thwarted plans to deal with the monsters.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is not terrible. This was a massive surprise to me, who has sat through the calamitous likes of Titanic 2, Mega Piranha, Monster and of course Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, all Asylum productions. This latest release is surprisingly fun. The characters are actually reasonably well fleshed out, with some enjoyable turns from both Stretch and White. Stretch does appear to be drunk throughout the filming, though – seriously, he even has the beer sweats and slurs his words in some scenes – but his affable nature and quick wit makes this ten times better than The Asylum’s usual actor-lite output.

Naturally this monster-fest is peppered with the usual Asylum problems: the CGI is absolutely shocking, the storyline makes no sense, there are establishing shots stolen from their other films, the creatures’ size changes exponentially in seconds, and Director Christopher Ray repeats the same shots over and over again, but mirrors them to make them look more original… it’s shameful stuff, but The Asylum knows it and simply does not care.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is certainly worth watching whilst drunk and with friends. It is accidentally hilarious on many levels: at one point a submarine crashes into a sea wall, for literally no reason! At another a submarine is randomly eaten by the Mega Shark, and no one mentions it. At one point they order an “Arc Flash” from a Nuclear Power Station!! A nuclear arc flash! Bloody absurd.

Do not buy this movie. This is a movie someone else buys you, as a joke, or you borrow or “find” somewhere on the internet. It is not worth spending money on. It’s almost not worth spending time on too, but it’s got it’s moments and it’s genuinely hilarious in places (unintentionally, but who cares).

Stupid, poorly made, lazy, idiotic, explosively dumb and only slightly boring: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is better than Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but worse than something like Lake Placid. Maybe the next film will be genuinely awesome? My hopes on a title: Mega Shark vs Super Ferret. Bring it on.

Rating: ★★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆

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