It wasn’t just the twiggy fella I didn’t want to keep waiting. As well as double billing the cult, British horror classic and it’s follow up, The Wicker Tree, those crazy Charlies had also managed to rope in the director of both, Robin Hardy, for a Q and A sesh. The cinema was rammed and the audience was chattering excitedly. Paul McEvoy, one of the founders of FrightFest, took to the stage and introduced Mr. Hardy to rapturous applause as well as a “woo!” from the back.

In a brief introduction to the bee-less and peerless 1973 original, Robin told us about the first time he introduced The Wicker Man in America. The film had been billed to the transatlantic audience as “the Citizen Kane of horror”, but not wanting them then, or us tonight, to take it too seriously he reassured them “that it was alright to laugh”. Then, as it was Christopher Lee’s birthday (I just checked it actually wasn’t. It’s not until the 27^th of May), Rob left us with Lee’s own description of the film: “it’s comic, it’s erotic, it’s romantic and it’s horrific enough to melt the bowels of a bronze statue.”

I’m not going to waste to much time telling you how good The Wicker Man is. Everyone knows it’s fucking awesome. The late, great Ewar Woowar plays Sergeant Howie, a scowling, perma-shocked, straight-laced, party-pooper copper. Sent to the remote Scottish island of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl, Howie finds himself up to his balls in a community of singing, dancing, shagging heathens. Tempted by the brazen and bra-less Britt Ekland and played like a 3DS by the Island’s increasingly crazy haired Lord (Christopher Lee), the poor guy never stands a chance.

The Wicker Man is considered a classic for a reason. That reason being that it’s a sinister, silly, scary and surreal masterpiece with a jaw dropping and barnstorming ending. We all enjoyed it very much and look, here comes the director to answer all our questions.

We began on the subject of Christopher Lee. Robin told us that he “was always part of the plan. I wish he could be here tonight”. After a doff of the cap to the sadly deceased Woodward, Hardy told us different he thought his two stars were. “Two extraordinary actors. Christopher is a film star. He is, to me, a screen presence. When he’s on the screen it’s very difficult to look at anyone else. Edward, on the other hand, is a consummate actor. Marvellous actor. The two of them together are a fascinating duo.”

Apparently the genesis of The Wicker Man, owes it’s, well, genesis, to pranks. Robin told us that he and the film’s writer, Anthony Shaffer, had an ever escalating “habit of playing enormously over complicated practical jokes on one another. Sometimes they were virtually fatal, but the more extreme they were, the more we enjoyed them. He wrote Sleuth, which is a marvellous, games playing play. It has two people in it and in it two people play elaborate and almost fatal practical jokes on each other. It was an enormous success. While that was happening, we thought that we would like to do the flip side of the Hammer horror films. What actually is behind witchcraft and all that. The pagan religion. We produced a film which is an elaborate game. That moment on the cliffs, when Christopher says “we’ve led you every pace of the way here”, that is his triumph. His game has worked. In this film, we have seen all the clues, all the way through the film – which we put out rather like a child’s treasure hunt. Clues in plain sight. That for us was the pleasure of making this film.”

As revered as The Wicker Man is now for being so distinctive, at the time it’s being different wasn’t quite so positive. “While the film was very unique, it was actually a disaster when it came to distribution. The distributor’s said “it’s all very fine and we enjoyed it, but how do you sell it? Is it a comedy? Is it a horror?” In the beginning we couldn’t get anybody to distribute it, so I did it myself in the United States.”

This was bound to come up. What did Robin think of the Nicolas Cage remake of The Wicker Man?

“I think the remake had wall to wall elevator music. No songs. Nothing which was relevant to paganism. I don’t know what it had, apart from a plot. The plot wasn’t even that extraordinary. Wearing the bear suit, falling downhill…” He tails off with a grin that may have a touch of grimace about it.

The Wicker Man is over thirty years old, but still rewatched and also rediscovered by many generations. Why does he think that is? “There’s a lot to chew. There’s a lot to think about and pull to pieces. There’s quite a lot of meat in the sandwich. I think that’s the reason for it enduring. It’s now A-Level for Media Studies! It’s rather like being Jane Austen for English Lit!”

One element of the film which is particularly memorable is Britt Ekland, the landlord’s sexy strumpet daughter, who spends a scene singing and writhing, while pounding on the wall dividing her room and Sergeant Howie’s in an attempt to seduce him. Does Robbo have any fond memories of that time? “I particularly like the idea of having someone in the next room, who is conjuring up for you a marvellous image, romantic or erotic, take your choice. I think that it’s something that Britt did very, very well and… I certainly enjoyed directing it!”

Over the years, there have been rumours about the authenticity of Miss. Ekland’s posterior in that fabled sequence, so, once and for all, is it Britt’s bum? Or a bum double? “When we rehearsed the scene, I showed Britt through the camera exactly what we would be seeing. She said “you can’t shoot that with me. I’ve got an arse like a ski slope!” A little unfair, but anyway, I and the First Assistant Director went down to Glasgow and trawled all the strip clubs to try and find an appropriate bottom.”

The version shown that evening had some restored footage included, but is this the definitive Director’s Cut of the film? “It’s one of the Director’s Cuts! It was mostly putting it back together again after it had been butchered by the… The main bit is the first night, with Christopher Lee, in the garden, with the snails. I had to reconstruct that. Roger Corman had a print and we reconstructed it from that print.”

Finally, having recently made the follow up, The Wicker Tree, does Hardy have any plans to make a third Wicker film? Maybe in 3D? “Certainly not in 3D, but it will happen. I think, I believe. If we find the money, we’ll make the film. I’m hoping to make it in the Shetland Islands, it will be the Gods, these Gods who’ve taken these terrible sacrifices from mankind, it will be their comeuppance. It is ver loosely musically based on the last act of The Ring Cycle.”

What a fantastic chap Robin Hardy is. Well-spoken and completely open, sitting in the same auditorium as him to watch The Wicker Man and then getting to hear him talk all about it was an absolute pleasure. An absolute pleasure that I wish had ended as he left the stage. Unfortunately I stayed to watch The Wicker Tree. I don’t want to spend much time on it as I don’t want this to end on a sour note, or to spend any more time than necessary on an absolutely terrible film.

Texan, born again Christians Beth and Steve decide to go to Scotland as missionaries. Having little luck doorstepping the city folk, they accept an offer from the clearly-going-to-kill-them-in-a-sacrificial-manner Sir Lachlan Morrison and his wife, to come to their country estate and have a pop at winning over the country bumpkins. There’s been an accident at Sir Lachlan’s nuclear power plant, which has poisoned the water table and left the local villagers infertile, so they want to get Steve to knock one of them up and Beth to be their May Queen… I’m sure that’ll work out just fine.

The film is a mess. A terribly acted mess. There is a Christopher Lee cameo, but his four line performance has obviously been shot on green screen elsewhere and then awfully inserted into a pointless and poor flashback sequence. It’s over long, it goes nowhere, every character is ridiculous and Brittania Nicol and Henry Garrett (Beth and Steve) give terrible performances that would be hilarious if they weren’t inflicted upon you for ninety six minutes that feel like ninety six fucking hours.

The Wicker Tree is a baggy, badly acted embarrassment. It’s out on DVD on the 30^th of April.

Thanks to The Prince Charles Cinema for having me along and putting on “the most Pagan double bill of all time”. Seeing The Wicker Man on the big screen was a big treat and Robin Hardy was a thoroughly charming gent.

It’s an overcast but hot one as I pick my way through the sightseeing hordes toward The London Bridge Experience and Tombs. I’m meeting Tom in one of the tombs for a chat and fully expect a man who deals in such extreme, nasty and extremely nasty subject matter to fit right in. The folk behind the attraction clearly do too – I’m excitably informed that, come Halloween, a section of the tombs will become the set of The Human Centipede; complete with a diabolical Doctor and three unfortunately grafted together centipede segments. It sounds horrible. I can’t wait.

I’m glad to say that though his horrific creation will be at home in “the UK’s scariest attraction”, the man himself is not. He turns out to be a thoroughly lovely, polite and attentive fella; resplendent in beige suit, straw Stetson and awesome cowboy boots.

We both pull up a pew, coffin actually, and I ask him how much input he’s getting in the area dedicated to his film, “they told me what they are going to do. They are going to create a human centipede, with actors, and a Dr. Heiter”. But will it be a three man centipede a la the original or a twelve person “full sequence”? “That won’t fit, I think”.

He seems genuinely delighted at the burrowing into the collective consciousness of his horrible baby, “it’s amazing. This. South Park. Beavis and Butthead. It’s incredible. It’s a film maker’s dream. It’s spread like a fire, like an aggressive virus, all over the world. The idea is so horrible that people can’t help but talk about it. I knew I’d made a sick idea, but for it to take off like this? No idea”.

But when talk turns to the BBFC’s treatment of it’s second part, the delight turns to surprise and shock, “it’s totally banned! They say they cannot even cut it! They think it might cause harm to viewers. I think it’s totally ridiculous.” This is no act. He is actually hurt and taken aback at what he sees as a slight against his film and a terrible misreading of The Human Centipede: Full Sequence, “this film has a lot of dark humour in it and I’m really disappointed that a country that gave us Monty Python and Little Britain can’t see the humour in this. They say the guy is “sexually obsessed by The Human Centipede”: that’s absolutely not true, he’s just obsessed. I wrote the story. I know”.

This dismay and disbelief is exasperated by the fact that the notoriously picky American ratings board have granted it a certificate, as have their Australian counterparts, “Australia is OK. America is fine. So it’s really upsetting that the BBFC is not. The BBFC let through a lot of films, like Antichrist and A Serbian Film. Crazy”.

So what is next? What can he do? “We now have to go to court. It’s been rejected two times, so this is our last chance. We have to have them say that it is not obscene, that it’s not illegal”. If the film’s UK release does not materialise, or does – but much later than elsewhere, how will this harm the movie’s returns? “By doing this, the BBFC are promoting illegal download. If people want to see it, they will. They are really hurting me as a film maker”. I ask what message he would like to give to any UK fans tempted by an illegal download, in their eagerness to watch The Full Sequence and his reply is simple and honest, “Please. Wait. The UK is such a big market, it will do us a lot of harm. We are fighting our ass off to get to show it here. We will somehow show it here. Even if I have to rent a cinema and show it and get arrested”.

On a lighter, sort of, note; what are his plans for the third and concluding part of The Human Centipede? And will it be The Human Centipede 3D? “Well, part two is totally different from part 1 – you’re going to be really surprised, and part three is going to be totally different again. It’ll be from a totally different perspective again. It’s going to be called The Final Sequence. I have joked about 3D, but the films have more to do with the idea and story, rather than visualising it with bombastic things. It doesn’t need that. I’m not into that Hollywood craziness right now”.

I’m interested to know if there have been any American studio approaches regarding a remake and he kind of dodges the question with a nervous laugh. Instead he tells me who he would cast in an American remake, “I would have Tom Cruise, as the head of the human centipede. Jennifer Lopez in the middle. Paris Hilton in the back. I would choose Christopher Walken as the doctor”. That I would pay to see, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be alone.

He says that Hollywood have come a knocking, but what they have punted him he has no interest in, “I get sent scripts. They are so unoriginal. I would never, ever do that. I have crazy ideas and want to do my own films, as there is still uncharted territory. So many people lack ideas, or they copy each other all the time. I don’t want to be part of that. Yeah, a guy changes into a wolf – I’ve seen that a hundred times. They lack ideas.”

But what of the future? What comes next? “I am going to make a horror film in LA. A psychological horror film which will definitely top The Human Centipede. It’s very original, people haven’t seen it and they are going to be really upset by it”. I press for any names that may be attached but he’s a wily one and is only willing to give me the title: The Onania Club. When I seek clarification on the spelling of “Onania” he instantly makes for my notebook and writes it out for me – as I said: thoroughly lovely.

I hope he manages to secure a UK certificate and release for The Human Centipede: Full Sequence. I also hope that if that release is delayed, and anyone’s tempted to do a dodgy download, they remember what the polite, Dutch, gentleman in the cowboy hat said: “Please. Wait.”

Who knows when we may or may not get to see Full Sequence, but I can tell you that the Human Centipeded area of The London Bridge Experience and Tombs will be ready to greet you, and then scare the pants off you, this Halloween.

The makers of The Rig have pulled the classic bait and switch of getting a name actor in to  dampen your gusset and get you interested; until you watch the film and discover they’re only in said film for a handful of scenes – a day’s work at best. Well prepare your panties to not get too damp as The Rig hasn’t got Danny (fucking) Trejo or Lance Henriksen, it’s scored William Forsythe (that big guy with the intimidating voice who was in The Rock and Deuce Bigelow – where he kept getting his dick out).

Big Bill Forsythe hefts his serviceable Hollywood character actor chops onto the rig and proceeds to chew not just the scenery, but the rest of the amateur hour cast, before he gets Deep Blue Sea’d. Once bereft of Forsythe things get lame and the performances become embarrassing. The feuding brothers are laughable, though the older one is marginally better – perhaps it was the beard… Apart from a black, comic book reading geek (clearly DEAD) and a feisty Latino lass who tries for Vasquez but comes off as a nag, the rest of the cast are made up of interchangeable bearded fellas that have so little screen presence you can’t tell one from the other. The Captain’s daughter is the only one who looks like she belongs on screen, partly due to being lucky enough to resemble Mary Elizabeth Winstead. A couple of times. In a certain light. Though any hopes she had of impressing in this are dashed when she has to start having long flashbacks to a scene that occurred less than five minutes ago.

“We don’t care about the acting, films like this are just about the kills and gore”. Oh, are they? Well prepare yourself for more disappointment – The Rig can’t do that right either. The kill sequences are all identikit, with the monster scurrying about behind the victim leaving you fighting to suppress shouts of “he’s behind you!” Once the creature does attack, you get a flail of hands and claws ending in a cut to a splash of blood hitting something in the background.

The monster itself is mostly a monster suit, but it looked like they’re may have been a smidge of CG in there too. The suit isn’t bad – it’s very wisely barely seen in full and nicely slimy. I thought it was supposed to be some kind of deep sea thing awoken by being drilled into, so I’m a little unclear as to how it 1) has legs and b) can breathe… go figure. The production don’t seem sure either, black-blatantly-a-dead-man-comic-book-guy says that it’s a chupacabra – whatever that is, I can’t be arsed to googl… fine, it’s a small bear with spines down it’s back. THAT makes even less sense.

It’s not all bad! Well, almost all bad. But the score is really good. Composed by Bruce L. Fowler with a full, real orchestra, he channels James Horner and thanks Hans Zimmer in the credits. There are also a few laughs to be had. Some unintentional, thanks to the un-sexiest shower shag ever and some on purpose, like the discovery of a crew members stash of (literal) gun porn.

The only other saving grace is a rather strange last ten minutes. Taking place after when  most movies of this sort would end: the death of the monster and/or the rescue of the survivors; the last shred of the film sees the youngest of the feuding brothers return to the rig with the chap in charge of the drilling operation. Though the kills themselves were throwaway deaths of characters you didn’t give a jot for, seeing their relatives walking ’round the kill sites is very creepy and adds a smidge of pathos. It’s the first original thing The Rig does, and it’s definitely the best.

There’s little to recommend The Rig, it’s a pig of a film and the DVD’s menu packs more suspense. I’m awarding a skull for William Forsythe, one for the score and another for the odd final ten minutes. See it for free, if you must, but don’t give anyone any money for this.

Rating: 3 out of 10 stars