Varsity Blood (2014)

Directed By: Jake Helgren
Written By: Jake Helgren
Starring: Lexi Giovagnoli
  Wesley Scott
  Debbie Rochon
  Elyse Bigler
Varsity Blood

It’s like Scream never happened.

Varsity Blood is the type of by-the-numbers teen slasher film Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven openly mocked in 1996, but it’s 18 years later and filmmakers still haven’t learned. This non-ironic horror literally ticks off nearly every slasher flick cliché you can imagine.

Ready?

Let’s go!

Halloween. A small American town (with a vicious secret!). Jocks. Cheerleaders. A bullied school mascot. ‘Teenagers’ played by actors in their late twenties. Coke, booze, sex, boobs. A party at an old abandoned house (which is inexplicably spotless). A coming storm. An escaped mental patient on the loose. A mystery killer in a mask, who walks really f*cking slowly. A disgruntled sheriff with a daughter in trouble.  A sassy black girl. Death by axe and arrows. Terrible dialogue, worse acting. At one point someone even says “Damn meddling kids” (seriously. Without irony!). No cell phone reception. Dropped car keys. At least one moment when the killer is wounded by the hero… and the hero doesn’t bother finishing them off.

If Varsity Blood was a deliberate parody, then top-marks for making it absolutely spot-on… but because it isn’t, this kind of clichéd, backwards slasher flick has absolutely no place in 2014 and is almost insulting to most audiences.

You might wonder what the plot is. Well, from my list above I’d hope you can ascertain what kind of plot to expect, but I’ll actually just copy and paste what IMDB has to say:

A pack of small town jocks and cheerleaders with a dark secret head out to a remote farmhouse for a raucous Halloween pasture party, only to find themselves up for slaughter by someone dressed as their high school mascot, an Indian warrior wielding a lethal fighting ax and a bow and arrow.

Yep. That’s it. The entire plot, bar some confusing subplot about a dead cheerleader, a mental patient and some kind of accident.

Varsity Blood is written and directed by Jake Helgren and – quite surprisingly – this isn’t his debut feature, having written Finding Mr. Wright (2011), Bloody Homecoming (2012) and 1 Chance 2 Dance (2014). This is his directorial debut, but it’s actually the atrocious, clichéd script that makes Varsity Blood such a dull watch.

Any positive points? Not many. The acting is reasonable in places (but bloody horrendous in others) and the runtime being just under 84 minutes is thankful relief… but otherwise there is little to recommend about it. Even the deaths are dull, poorly directed and with laughably bad special effects, often cutting away right before the point of impact / actual death. It really has little to offer for any Horror fan, new or seasoned. Sorry Jake

Overall Varsity Blood sets back slasher Horror by 18 years and pays no respect to its audience. With news that the release of Resident Evil 7 has been moved back to 2015, Varsity Blood is now the contender for receiving the Gorepress “worst film” award for 2014. A turd-scooping wooden spoon awaits!

Avoid.

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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