Lesbian Vampire Warriors (2012)

Directed By: Dennis Law
Written By: Dennis Law
Starring: Luxia Jiang
  Wah Yuen
  Chrissie Chow
  Siu-hou Chin
Lesbian Vampire Warriors

This is NOT Lesbian Vampire Killers. Or a sequel. Or a reboot. Horne and Corden are nowhere near this film, the vampires don’t leak semen and there isn’t a ‘hilarious’ cock-handled sword. In fact, the original title for Lesbian Vampire Warriors was Vampire Warriors. Perhaps the UK release was hoping to capitalize on the success of that other lesbian vampire film…

Lesbian Vampire Warriors is about a ‘good’ vampire who hunts down ‘naughty, human-killing’ vampires. In the pursuit of some red-dress wearing vampire Ar (Jiang Lu-Xia) finds herself being stalked by a vampire who sucks out vampires’ “souls”. At least I think that’s the plot… Lesbian Vampire Warriors is horribly confusing.

We witness 800 year old vampires acting like silly teenagers and some of the strangest, mismanaged dialogue I’ve ever seen. Perhaps a translation issue, but after the soul-sucker punches some slutty vampire in the chest she exclaims “Are you hitting people or the organs?” I mean, what?! A lot of the dialogue receives a WTF? reaction, which is upsetting considering how dialogue-heavy Lesbian Vampire Warriors is.

Writer / Director Dennis Law should take ultimate responsibility for the messy, bizarre comedy scenes that are awkwardly spliced with the action-horror. He should also be ashamed of the anarchic plotting that will baffle anyone watching Lesbian Vampire Warriors – the lack of narrative, pace and consistency is frustrating and confusing.

Luckily Lesbian Vampire Warriors does have style – it is bright, colourful, surprisingly funny and oddly graceful. Everything is extreme and the dialogue is incredibly on-the-nose with characters practically talking directly to the audience like Basil Exposition’s mad brother.

The action scenes are fast, fun and furious, with vampires leaping, flying and exploding through brick walls. When the cast isn’t chatting bollocks the film is surprisingly entertaining.

Our lesbian vampire warrior is an actual bona fide vegetarian too, a la Count Duckula, but rarely displays her lesbianism or warrior side. ‘Warrior’ suggests a disciplined, trained soldier but Ar is an illiterate wandering vampire-killer with a lacklustre goal of vengeance (possibly. It’s very unclear actually what she wants).

Overall Lesbian Vampire Warriors is a bizarre mess filled with awful dialogue and some exciting, balletic action scenes. If you can ignore the mad plotting and crap scripting then you might enjoy yourselves. At least it’s not Lesbian Vampire Killers

Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆

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