Shark Night 3D (2011)

Shark Night 3D doesn’t deserve a proper review. It doesn’t deserve to be watched. It doesn’t deserve to be noticed, whispered about or furtively suggested. It doesn’t deserve to exist. To show the same respect Shark Night 3D has for its audience’s collective intelligence, I intend to describe Shark Night 3D in internet slang. Here is my quick review:

Shrk Nite 3D = Cliché charactrz. Lame plot. Not enough lolz. Not enuff blud. CGI WTF? MASSIVE FAIL. Avoid.

College loner Sara (Sara Paxton) is going back home for the first time in three years and invites some of her friends to her lake house in Louisiana. Along for the ride is medical student Nick (Dustin Milligan) and some other generic American Pie clichés destined for shark death.

Ticking off some local hillbilly stereotypes along the way, the ridiculously hot group of “teenagers” boat out to the house on the lake, presumably on its own little island. It’s beautiful, wonderful, super-smashing-awesome… until “generic Jock guy” gets his arm ripped off by a shark!! Oh no! Shark!

What follows is a plethora of ridiculous decisions, some sign-posted betrayal and a smattering of uninspired deaths. Shark Night 3D is one long misfire. Aiming for the Piranha 3D crowd via Deep Blue Sea, it misses completely by opting for blood-shy, gore-free, boobless mediocrity with no relatable characters. It is weak, wet and worryingly dull.

Perhaps this level of absolute cackbadgers should’ve been expected from the “talents” of David R. Ellis, the man responsible for directing the abysmal The Final Destination, Asylum and Cellular. His direction is tame, uninspired and – except for two or three shots – actually very boring. Perhaps the blame can be laid on first time writer Jesse Studenberg and TV writer Will Hayes, who serve up a script so brimming with cliché and obviousness it feels like they wrote it on the back of Rizzler whilst smacked up on some drug.

I honestly felt sorry for the actors, who meander through the film with little enthusiasm. After recently seeing Sara Paxton give an excellent turn as Claire in Innkeepers, Shark Night 3D is a terrible showcase of her talents and will tragically get more audience than Innkeepers ever will.

But what about the sharks?! We want sharks! We want sharks! Despite using animatronics for some scenes, Shark Night 3D is packed with hilariously bad CGI sharks, that move unnaturally and smile like Jack Torrance jacked up on speed. They look truly rubbish and often fling themselves at the camera for no good reason except to add value to your 3D experience. SHARK IN THE FACE! Well worth the extra few quid I spunked on this ugly warm turd.

Normally I wouldn’t do this, but here are some of the plot problems with Shark NightSPOILERS!

1.) Why does Sara trust her ex-boyfriend? The last time they saw each other she sliced up his face with a speedboat after he tried to drown her!

2.) Why don’t the sharks attack the dog? Why do the sharks act like they’re genetically-altered insane superbeasts with a distinct hatred of motorized water-vehicles?

3.) Why did the tranquilliser dart have absolutely NO effect on Dennis?

4.) Where did these dumb hick morons get these sharks from in the first place?

5.) And how the hell did they transport them to a freakin’ Louisiana lake?!

6.) What happened to the store clerk who released the Great White? Has he gotten away with murder?

7.) Why on EARTH did they make this bloody awful film?

Seriously, this film is fundamentally flawed on so many levels its absolutely ridiculous. It has been a long time since Hollywood has taken such a large filmic crap on global cinema, and THEN had the audacity to make people pay extra for the mind-bendingly pointless 3D.

I can only think they created this chunk of faecal discharge so they can release a sequel next year, hoping to fool people desperate to see Nolan’s next Batman film. How? They’ll call it Shark Night Rises. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

Shark Night 3D is an absolute travesty. It is worse than Mega Shark Vs. Crocosaurus, worse than Shark in Venice and worse than Shark Attack 3. They didn’t even have the forethought to cast John Barrowman in it.

Shark Night 3D is absolute balls. Avoid avoid avoid.

Rating: ½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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