Vampire Boys (2011)

Vampire Boys is laughably terrible.  Featuring terrible acting, terrible dialogue, a terrible score and a genuinely terrible storyline, Vampire Boys is perhaps the worst “horror” film released in 2011.

Dewy-eyed and innocent Ohio boy Caleb (Christian Ferrer) has moved to Los Angeles in a free flat-share with guitar-twanging student Paul (Ryan Adames). As soon as he arrives, he is approached by day-walking, smooth-talking vampire sexpot Jasin (Jason Lockhart), who secretly believes Caleb is his one true love. Jasin offers himself to the naive youngster and attempts to convince Caleb to be “turned” to become one of the endless undead. But can Caleb trust the hunky stranger and end his life as human, and why is Jasin so desperate to turn him…?

Vampire Boys is less like a modern fairytale about vampiric romance and more like some gay Twilight fan-faction; the male actors spend 90% of the film with their tops off, there are random scenes where men get their cocks out in the woods and our protagonist has a nice soapy shower for literally no reason. Titillating but thankfully not pornographic, the inclusion of these scenes at least need to be supported by decent storyline, character and thrills… but Vampire Boys has none of these.

The terrible dialogue is delivered terribly, both stilted and without a flicker of differing intonations. Everyone speaks like soft-spoken versions of Agent Smith from The Matrix, and it makes dialogue scenes drag significantly.  Thrills wise it’s also incredibly lacking, with the murderous vampire scenes played for light laughs and handsome posing, and the ridiculous incidental music changing from Last of the Summer Wine to pelvic-thrusting disco-pop from second to second. It’s an awkwardly created, incredibly slow production, only bolstered by the fact it’s laughably funny in places (although not deliberately).

But what about the vampires?! As most modern vampire tales go, don’t believe the myths (sigh). These vamps can walk in daylight, wear crosses round their necks, can be seen in mirrors and can’t even be killed by stakes through the heart! If in fact, if it weren’t for the fangs, you’d mistake these “vampire boys” for Wolverine clones with their super-healing and amazing athletic abilities. There is, however, one difference between these vampires and your average vampire lore: love.

The crux of our storyline is about Jasin and his boys’ survival. According to some insane vampire rulebook, if pack-leader and vampire-creator Jasin doesn’t find his “perfect partner” by the time he turns 100 he’ll die, and so will all the vampires he’s sired. Getting past this ridiculous premise is difficult, especially since Jasin gives us absolutely no reason to care about him – he’s not a friendly “veggie-vampire” like Edward Cullen, Angel or Count Duckula, but a murderous, blood-hungry psychopath with pretty hair and a lovely tan.  Morally reprehensible, Jasin and co murder at will and even execute Caleb’s well-meaning housemate for – basically – getting a bit jealous. You will find it difficult to care.

The main enemy in Vampire Boys is actually Jasin’s stubbornness to obtain a “perfect partner”. He’s known about it for 100 years and is only now really focussing on choosing his partner, a week before the deadline. Needlessly last-minute, it makes Jasin an infuriating character and you actual sympathise more with Caleb’s luckless flatmate Paul and one of Jasin’s insane vampire buddies, who betrays him at the last minute. Vampire Boys is a deeply sympathy-free film.

I have no issues with someone making a sexy, gay-vampire film, but it’s unacceptable to care more about chisel-jawed posing and constant nakedness than about plot, character, story, acting, score and dialogue. Vampire Boys feels like titillation for someone with a broken internet connection and nothing more – it’s like watching a porn film without any porn.

Vampire Boys is laughably terrible – I am emphatic about this. This is not because of some latent homophobia or an innate hatred of vampires, but because Vampire Boys is genuinely, laughably terrible. Avoid.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

3 Comments on “Vampire Boys”

  1. Rag says:

    I feel for you Mr S. You had to watch it so you could write an informed review. I just looked at the cover and formed the same opinion.

    Anyway, I’m off to win my copy in the comp. If I can work out the right answer.

  2. Michelle says:

    It’s so true, this movie is SO horrible, I laughed a few times because it was soooo darn horrible… The acting sux, and the guy whos clipped the movie together has slashed over most of the end dialogue when switching from over the shoulder of one of the characters to the other.

    The only thing it needed to become ‘watchable for some’ is to create more gay sex scenes and take a place among the porn shelves.

    So if you’re bored and think gayness is fun and you like to indulge urself in B-movies where nothing has gone right, then this is the perfect movie for you.

  3. barbie says:

    Hahaha. It’s not. true %

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