Monster (2008)

On January 17, 2003 a 7.8 earthquake hit Japan.

The event was caught on tape by two American filmmakers.

But it wasn’t an Earthquake.

It was a monster. A really big, tentacled monster, which murdered over 7000 people and was – somehow! – covered up by the Japanese government. Until now, that is! Presumably able to blanket out the world media and all internet activity relating to the monster attack, the authorities somehow failed to stop the father of Erin and Sarah Lynch. This entrepreneurial git managed to produce, edit and neatly package hundreds of copies of a DVD, tastefully featuring the final living hours of his two beloved daughters. A DVD I managed to buy for £1 in Asda. He also packaged it as an “Uncensored Version”, which is extra respectful.

Okay, cynicism aside, Monster’s storyline is epically simple: two sisters film the destruction of Tokyo by a tentacle monster, whilst woefully attempting to reach the American Centre and escape the carnage…

Our protagonists are Erin and Sarah Lynch (played by Erin Evans and Sarah Lynch), two thoroughly annoying, entirely trouble-free sisters, who are basically farting around in Tokyo under the guise that they’re making a documentary on global warming. They never explain why they’ve gone to Japan to do this documentary. Is there not enough global warming in Los Angeles?

The Lynchs’ camerawork is horrifically amateur and the sound editing beyond buggered, ensuring the background noise is louder than anything Sarah has to say. This “natural” disaster maybe have completely ruined Tokyo, but it did a service to the world of documentaries by stopping these two clowns from ever filming anything, ever again.

The girls also appear to own the faultiest camera in the history of cameras, which blacks out and stalls and jumps and randomly freezes on shots the entire time. It’s used to cover-up the hideous CGI and the fact no one in the background is actually panicking. At one point you can hear children playing happily… during an apocalyptic monster invasion!

Perhaps the creators were under the bizarre misconception that “confusion equals terror” when it really, significantly doesn’t. It equals confusion. And confusion leads to frustration and boredom and ambivalence.

The shaky camerawork tragically doesn’t even succeed in hiding the awful CGI. Someone clearly ran around Tokyo with a crap video camera, taking random shots of emergency vehicles and the sky and then dropping in Amstrad-generated images of helicopters or fighter jets. It is classic Asylum – the shameless film company / rip-off merchants – who brought us the disease-ridden CGI likes of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Titanic 2. Cheap, shoddy, careless and laughably appalling – possibly fun whilst drunk, but turd-lickingly foul otherwise.

Monster is shockingly flawed on all available levels, from acting to direction to sound and special effects, and features the least satisfying ending of any film, ever. It is like the bastard child of Cloverfield and Monsters, except without the stunning visuals of J.J.Abrams or the intricate character work of Gareth Edwards.

Attention to detail is appalling, as the two sisters are regularly scratched and then magically heal the next time we see them. It proves how little care has gone into the production. Unless their dad is actually Wolverine, of course…

Criminally, for a film about a monster obliterating a city, Monster is absolutely, insanely boring, packed with perfunctory dialogue that tells the story instead of showing it. Every time a piece of action kicks off, it is stopped almost immediately with a blackout and followed by a scene where the sisters are suddenly and inexplicably safe… and Jackanory-ing us a story of monsters and death.

Apparently this monster mayhem remained hidden from the world media, despite it being… a massive tentacle beast. Found footage films work best when the discovered film is of something intriguing and mostly unseen, like Pursuit of a Legend or The Blair Witch Project, or otherwise deliberately over-the-top like Cloverfield.

Monster attempts to convince us this fuck-obvious monster attack was real, somehow covered up, and that only these two American morons managed to film the truth… and then somehow got their bag of endless tapes to their father… who made a retail DVD out of it! It insults our intelligence from the start to the end and also absolutely insults the Japanese in nearly every way possible.

If the film Monster was actually a monster, it would be The Blob – a gelatinous ugly mess, devoid of personality or charm, which lazily bumbles into view and vastly outstays it’s welcome. But it’s not a monster; it’s a shockingly terrible movie that is confused, boring, woefully directed, irritatingly acted and entirely devoid of charm or sense. Monster is another Asylum rip-off failure that isn’t even worth the 100 pennies I spent on it in Asda. I should’ve bought some cookies instead, dammit…

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

2 Comments on “Monster”

  1. fuzzy says:

    all i can say is this sucked huge i mean HUGE donkey….dongs…it was worse than meet the spartans but hell it made more sense than this shit.

  2. LegacyIII says:

    Worst movie ever made. Fast forwarded most of it since ther eis no action at all. An annoying piece of sh*#.

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