Blood Snow (2009)

I suspect that Blood Snow (a.ka. Necrosis) will end up being one of those films that’s reduced to repeated showings at the sort of time slot when everyone sane is tucked up in bed and will award it little audience, on The Horror Channel, for the forseeable future. And deservedly so. It’s terrible. At least at around only 70 minutes, it’s over quickly.

It starts with a rather rushed scene involving one settler murdering another on a snowy hilltop as his blood runs into the icy white stuff. How do we know they’re early American settlers? They have beards and look a bit grizzly. That’s the kind of genius characterisation that you’ll come to expect from Blood Snow. Also, that statement may have been laced with more than a little sarcasm.

Blood Snow sees a group of friends travelling to an idyllic mountain-top location for some time away from civilisation. Once there they do the expected; they recieve a warning from the local hicks, they bicker, drink, talk a whole heap of nonsense, shag each other and hallucinate grisly ghosts.

Snow can make for a wonderfully atmospheric horror movie setting. Just look at Frozen, Dead Snow and The Shining for tips on how to do it properly. In Blood Snow however, any attempts at claustrophobia, isolation or at utlising the barrenness of the landscape are shunned in favour of stilted dialogue, delivered badly by people who can’t act. Or, at the very least, can’t act here due to the atrocious direction they’ve recieved. Even Michael Berryman, a distinctive actor who is sure to light up the face of any genre fan, can’t inject any life, or even fun, into his mercifully short scenes. Blood Snow‘s stars James Kyson Lee and Tiffany (yep, talent-free singing sprog from the decade that taste and decency forgot) can’t muster as much enthusiasm as they did for Heroes and Mega Piranha respectively. And that’s really saying something.

The rest of the cast stumble through their lines as if they’re straight out of stage school and are trying to fulfil their contracts with as little exertion as possible. It’s a ridiculously lazy affair with little in the way of an explanation besides some garbled hogwash regarding the history of The Donner Party and one characters mental breakdown.

At this point you might be asking yourself “But does it fall into the ‘so bad, it’s hilarious’ category?” The answer, dear reader, is a firm no. There’s no fun to be had here, it’s merely a painful experience. Even with a positive outlook and a gleeful twinkle in my eye, I couldn’t glean any enjoyment from Blood Snow. Yes, there were moments that made me laugh but in a pitying way that lead me to feel guilty for mocking the people that put actual, honest-to-God effort into this movie. Like the horror flick equivalent of those home video shows that feature endless clips of children getting hit in the head with sports equipment and old people falling down. It’s funny, but laughing at them means you’re one step closer to going to Hell.

With no scares, some questionable looking gore effects and a muddled plot, the only thing that’s horrific about Blood Snow are the performances from its’ cast. In short, Blood Snow is just more straight-to-DVD dreck. You’ll watch it, hate it, forget it instantly and never go near it again. If you have any sense.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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