Mega Piranha (2010)

Directed By: Eric Fosberg
Written By: Eric Fosberg
Starring: Paul Logan
  Barry Williams
Mega Piranha

“From the studio who brought you Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus” – this tagline is nearly as alarming as “A Wayans Brothers Feature” and serves only as a warning. Have the makers of MSvGO learnt from their previous mistakes? Slightly. Very very slightly, but the majority of the flaws and blundering mistakes remain, with some fresh errors to keep things interesting.

Mega Piranha begins on the Orinoco River in South America, where an American ambassador and the Venezuelan foreign minister are enjoying a sexy boat party. Then piranha’s attack and eat them. And their boat. This presumed terrorist attack triggers the arrival of the six-pack sporting Jason Fitch, a commando sent to investigate the situation. What he finds is more shocking and bafflingly idiotic that anyone would have hoped for…

“I figured it out. It wasn’t an explosion, it wasn’t terrorists, it was giant piranha. Yes sir, giant piranha” – Fitch tells his stunned boss, but that’s not half of it. Apparently these piranhas have been genetically altered and are doubling in size every 36 hours. Not only that… they’ve got triple-thick skin and two hearts. But at least they can’t survive in salt water… right?

Fitch elicits the help of Dr. Sarah Monroe, a scientist who may’ve caused this epic fail in the first place (but never, ever apologizes for it). Battling an out-of-control Venezuelan military nutcase, an army of photocopied helicopters and hundreds of CGI fish, Fitch and Monroe are faced with a desperate race against time as the piranha swim, leap and pixilate their way into the sea and towards a country that actually matters – America!

Raping the memory of everything remotely water-based, from Jaws to Godzilla, Mega Piranha is entirely unsurprising throughout. It has CGI so bad that a Windows screensaver circ. 1995 looked more realistic, and the CG shots are repeated so many times you wonder if you’re stuck in some sort of horrific time-loop. The direction is simply annoying, like Eric Forsberg watched too many episodes of 24 and stole all the conniption-inducing snap-cuts from one scene to the next in a desperate attempt to keep us awake. There’s even spelling errors in the subtitles – “somwhere”? – and the continuity is entirely absent. As for the ending – the conclusion to this heap of tramp’s defecation – it is beyond ridiculous and totally senseless.

Acting wise it’s the expected gaggle of incompetence. Our hero Fitch is played by the stern-faced Paul Logan. It’s lucky he’s stern-faced, though, because his smile could kill God it’s so hideous. Dr. Monroe is played by 80’s pop star Tiffany and is sadly out-acted by a plastic fish. The other actors appear dubbed in places and the American soldiers with long, slick hair look as authentic as the bus-sized fish that eats a building’s face off. It’s a terrible script acted terribly.

It is simply rubbish throughout and laughably so.

We only have 525,600 minutes in a year, so why watch something I am absolutely certain will make my brain cells weep and my watch kill itself. It’s masochism on an insane scale. I don’t order a beef milkshake or staple frogs to my eyes, so why did I think putting Mega Piranha on my television would be a good idea? I would like to think I watched it so you don’t have to, but honestly… I think I just wanted to see how bad it was. It’s why there’s always a massive traffic jam after a motorway pile up, even when the police have cleared the hard shoulder – people slow down to look at the carnage, to see that bit of blood or glimpse a severed foot still inside a sock. This is what Mega Piranha is – a horrible car crash you can’t look away from.

A film like Mega Piranha is either created by utter buffoons or absolute geniuses. So inept is everything about it, and done so po-facedly, that you genuinely believe the creators thought that their premise, plot, script, character, acting and direction were acceptable for filming purposes. They were incredibly wrong. These people, these film-making auteurs of absolute shite are The Asylum. And Mega Piranha is not a blip.

This company are not only responsible for this bag of filmic semen, but also for such cack-fests as Transmorphers, Paranormal Entity, Snakes on a Train (yes, train) and The Terminators. I genuinely envy their shameless ingenuity in cashing in on “blockbusters” and releasing them before the theatrical release – Mega Piranha, for example, was released on DVD two weeks before Piranha 3D hit the cinema – yet this smart business-mindedness doesn’t make a film good. At all.

Mega Piranha is atrocious, yet it does have a few redeeming features. The score is reasonable, Jesse Daly and Barry Williams manage to out-act the plastic fish in likeable performances, and the piranha attacks on Florida are bloody funny.

If you gather a large group of friends, grab some alcohol and watch it simply to laugh AT it, then you may thoroughly enjoy yourself. It is a truly abysmal film, but it will make you laugh. Does it make it good though? No. No it doesn’t.

Mega Piranha watched as a film – 2 / 10

Mega Piranha watched with a group of drunken friends – 7 / 10

Oh, and be prepared for your brain cells to die in droves later this month. Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus is coming soon…

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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