My Bloody Valentine (2009)

Directed By: Patrick Lussier
Written By: Todd Farmer
  Zane Smith
Starring: Jensen Ackles
  Jaime King
  Kerr Smith
  Betsy Rue
My Bloody Valentine

Set in an old mining town, My Bloody Valentine is a remake of the 1981 low budget horror of the same name. Jensen Ackles stars as Tom, the son of a mining tycoon, who returns to the town exactly ten years after the infamous Valentines Day massacre that saw one of the mines employees ultimately go a bit mental with a pickaxe and claim the lives of 22 people. When a slew of murders occur in the present, mirroring those that happened on that fateful night a decade ago, the townspeople start to suspect that Tom’s mysterious re-appearance might be connected to the mounting body count.

My Bloody Valentine, riding 3D cinemas current wave of popular nostalgic resurgence, has all the ingredients to be a competent little scare machine. Instead, those ingredients add up to little more than a futile exercise in cheap scares and terrible soap opera-esque acting.

It pulls no punches with regard to the action however. Little more than a couple of minutes into the film and we’re already knee deep in protruding eyeballs and impaled skulls but unfortunately it’s all downhill from that point on. Casting pretty young things Ackles, Jaime King and Kerr Smith might have looked like a genius idea on paper but in actuality their combined lack of any discernable acting talent leaves the viewer cold. They take on the roles of bland, humourless hero, cheating arsehole cop and meek, put-upon wife and show so little enthusiasm that it’s really hard to muster any positive or negative emotion toward any of them. It’s this pronounced detachment that fails to lend My Bloody Valentine any sort of depth and robs the thoroughly predictable conclusion of any shock value it might have had.

Aimed squarely at teenagers, the stupid and stupid teenagers, My Bloody Valentine serves up pointless and unsexy full-frontal female nudity, graphic but CGI-riddled deaths and cliché after cliché, in spades. It’s chock full of manipulative and exploitative scenes that would only fool audience members that are either under the age of fourteen or who have never seen a horror movie before. Anyone who’s familiar with the genre would do best to avoid this piece of trash cinema that steals from almost every hackneyed horror movie technique that has gone before it and leaves its faithful audience with nothing more than a haphazard bag of shallow and insipid scenes that don’t make a whole lot of sense.

Doing little to dispel the common theory that the Hollywood well of ideas has completely run dry, this latest in a run of entirely unnecessary remakes proves that the bigger studios need to stop resting on their laurels and relying on someone else’s material to get by. Save your 3D glasses for something worthy of your time.

Rating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

One Comment on “My Bloody Valentine”

  1. Dave Scullion says:

    Totally agree on this one! The acting is bad, the violence panders towards 3D instead of invention and the nudity is hilariously shoe-horned in!

    Also, it has the WORST twist I’ve ever seen. If you can call it that. Utter balls.

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