Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
Fletch is a child-punching fat clown who’s just been fired, Jimmy is a pathetic twit who’s just been dumped by his uber-bitch girlfriend. Both decide a trip to the countryside will improve their mood, but they stumble upon a cursed village full of lesbian vampires and their little vacation suddenly turns into a struggle for survival. Which is exactly how the audience feels.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is full of tits, and none bigger than Matt Horne and James Corden, who paint the screen with idiotic blasphemy, a total absence of wit and a hideous lack of charm. Not only are they simply very annoying, the characters given to them by writers Hupfield and Williams are so dementedly unlikable it would be impossible for them to be decent protagonists. What makes a horror-comedy work is largely the camaraderie between the main characters and sadly Fletch and Jimmy are disloyal cowards who would happily leave their best friend to die horribly in order to save themselves. It makes for frustrating watching, and you begin to sympathise with the vampires, praying they’ll survive and destroy the two idiotic boys who’ve stumbled into their world.
The majority of the cast constantly struggles with the stilted dialogue, and The Descent’s MyAnna Buring looks incredibly awkward as the heroine, who seems completely unbothered at the demise of all her friends. It is a heartless affair that will leave most audiences cold.
Paul McGann also lowers himself diabolically to play a hammy Vicar whose unfortunate daughter must be saved from turning into one of the lesbian undead. This entirely unnecessary subplot is used only to introduce flabby exposition about some mythical curse and add some pathetic jokes about a nob-handled sword. That’s about as funny as it gets. Using the basest of humour throughout with sex gags, extreme homophobia and semen-like blood splattering the screen, this film is childish at best. What could have been a very clever pastiche of old-school shlocky horror has turned into an appallingly bad horror-comedy with as much charm as an angry rapist.
It aims for a mash-up of Hammer Horror meets Confessions of a Window Cleaner, but instead of mocking them accurately it removes the tongue-in-cheek fun and retains the needless titillation and appalling scripting. Perhaps avid fans of Horne and Corden will find mild amusement at a needlessly extended sketch, but even most drunken Nuts readers will quickly become bored.
Homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, stupid, unfunny and frankly infuriating, Lesbian Vampire Killers is an unflushed toilet bowl of a film that aims for the lowest common denominator and hits a thousand miles below it. Horrendous stuff.