Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
| Directed By: | Phil Claydon |
| Written By: | Paul Hupfield |
| Stewart Williams | |
| Starring: | Matt Horne |
| James Corden | |
| Paul McGann | |
| MyAnna Buring |
Fletch is a child-punching fat clown who’s just been fired, Jimmy is a pathetic twit who’s just been dumped by his uber-bitch girlfriend. Both decide a trip to the countryside will improve their mood, but they stumble upon a cursed village full of lesbian vampires and their little vacation suddenly turns into a struggle for survival. Which is exactly how the audience feels.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is full of tits, and none bigger than Matt Horne and James Corden, who paint the screen with idiotic blasphemy, a total absence of wit and a hideous lack of charm. Not only are they simply very annoying, the characters given to them by writers Hupfield and Williams are so dementedly unlikable it would be impossible for them to be decent protagonists. What makes a horror-comedy work is largely the camaraderie between the main characters and sadly Fletch and Jimmy are disloyal cowards who would happily leave their best friend to die horribly in order to save themselves. It makes for frustrating watching, and you begin to sympathise with the vampires, praying they’ll survive and destroy the two idiotic boys who’ve stumbled into their world.
The majority of the cast constantly struggles with the stilted dialogue, and The Descent’s MyAnna Buring looks incredibly awkward as the heroine, who seems completely unbothered at the demise of all her friends. It is a heartless affair that will leave most audiences cold.
Paul McGann also lowers himself diabolically to play a hammy Vicar whose unfortunate daughter must be saved from turning into one of the lesbian undead. This entirely unnecessary subplot is used only to introduce flabby exposition about some mythical curse and add some pathetic jokes about a nob-handled sword. That’s about as funny as it gets. Using the basest of humour throughout with sex gags, extreme homophobia and semen-like blood splattering the screen, this film is childish at best. What could have been a very clever pastiche of old-school shlocky horror has turned into an appallingly bad horror-comedy with as much charm as an angry rapist.
It aims for a mash-up of Hammer Horror meets Confessions of a Window Cleaner, but instead of mocking them accurately it removes the tongue-in-cheek fun and retains the needless titillation and appalling scripting. Perhaps avid fans of Horne and Corden will find mild amusement at a needlessly extended sketch, but even most drunken Nuts readers will quickly become bored.
Homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, stupid, unfunny and frankly infuriating, Lesbian Vampire Killers is an unflushed toilet bowl of a film that aims for the lowest common denominator and hits a thousand miles below it. Horrendous stuff.
Rating: 
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I feel that the review is a bit harsh. Lets face it. When you go to see a film called ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’, you’d be a bit daft to expect something of cinematographical (is that a real word?) excellence. But if you go in expecting something silly, light hearted, and probably better after a couple of pints, your not going to be hugely dissapointed.
If you have seen Horne and Cordens comedy show on TV, then you will know what to expect. If you like the show, you won’t be dissapointed by the film.
Don’t expect another ‘Shaun of the Dead’, but then it never tries to be. Horne and Corden play to their comedy strengths. And while neither of them are even close to the Geoff Capes (just me? Google him) of the UK comedy circuit, then are pretty good at what they do. As long as you can get into what they do.
As a film, it’s never going to show on anyones (or very few peoples) top 100. But neither is it the complete wastes of a couple of hours that Scullion’s one skull review suggests.
If you’re not convinced, check utube for some of their stuff. If you chuckle, you’ll probably enjoy the film. But if you insist on buying every film you watch, wait til it hits the bargain bins. You won’t grow too old while you wait. Simon Pegg they are not.
I hate Gavin and Stacey, and pretty much anything else tainted by Horne and Corden’s presence. If you find them funny, you’ll also find this funny, but I’m guessing that works in reverse? Although I’ll probably end up watching this at some point. Maybe Horror Channel will buy it so I can watch it for free….
I understand there is a certain demographic out there that would thoroughly enjoy this puerile cack-badgery, and maybe after a few pints it might become funnier, but I just found it had such potential to be a lovely pastiche / homage to Hammer and just basically let rip a 90 minute fart instead.
I’m a big fan of MyAnna Buring, who did her best with a dud script and some cringingly bad acting surrounding her, but despite her inclusion the film still came across as sexist, homophobic, misogynistic and completely and utterly mind-shittingly stupid. It genuinely made me angry watching it.
Sometimes I think LVK deserves a second watch, in case I HAVE actually been too harsh, but it’s like returning to a giant crap you took in the woods to see if it’s less horrible. Whatever the case, it’ll still be a giant crap.
Totally agree with Scullion, although he forgot to mention that the special effects are also a pixel-porridge travesty. But mostly I just found it excruciatingly un-funny and offensively homophobic